Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Crossing That Hurdle

Alot of us have hurdles to cross in our daily lives; whether its as small as meeting a deadline or as big as a childhood trauma. We all deal with issues in our different ways and this is just one of the ways i choose to deal with mine.

I have always struggled with relationships whether it be mere friendships or intimate relationships. My issue is not that I'm not a likable person or that I can't keep friends but that I push people away, alot of the time! It's not an intention of mine but it happens and I know at least some of the reasons why that happens.

Now I am about to share with you a very personal part of my life, one that is not easy to let the entire world know, but I feel that I can help someone out there if they know my story.

I was 16 and in High School. A friend asked me to come to her cousin's home for lunch and I was quite happy. I followed like any happy 16 year old would but there was something awaiting me that I was not prepared for.

At the house was her cousin, a 31 year old who wasn't so big, but I was still a tiny thing. She introduced us and said she was coming right back. She said she had just gone across the street to get something.

Well she never came back.

There I was in this stranger's house and he kept looking at me like he wanted something... wanted to tell me something.. I quickly ran to the door and he was right there next to me...locking it.

I started to shake. "What was this guy going to do to me," I thought. He held unto me and wrestled to remove my clothes. I fought back but I soon got tired and stopped fighting. He shifted my underwear and inserted him in me... Yes he raped me!

I felt so disgusted... tears coming down my face the entire time.
"What did I do to deserve this?" " Why did he choose me?" " Am I that easy?"
All these thoughts came rushing through my mind.
I didn't even know what time it was. Time passed so slowly in those minutes. I felt like I was going to die and that no one would love again.

He removed himself and opened the door. I quickly left the room and walked calmly back to school like nothing had happened.
Don't even ask about his cousin, she never asked what had happened and I never told her.

He must have threatened me because even seeing him lately...yes I still see him.. I am fearful... as if, if I speak he will hurt me.

I'm 11 years older now and it still hurts.

I never told a soul for years... not my parents or close friends... no one. It has left a permanent scar on my life, my body, how I see myself.
Every relationship has been a mess and I know it is directly related to that incident.
I cry alot at nights, when no one is looking or listening and I wish I could do back in time.
"If only I had screamed, or fought harder, maybe this would not have happened to me."
I keep thinking these things.. but I can't stand being alone with myself for too long because all the emotions will come rushing back to my memory and I will have to relive it over and over.

I've tried letting go and letting God but that hasn't been very helpful. I don't care what any of you have to say about me not letting go fully. That's all a crock of shit and you know it.

Yeah I let go but the hurt is still there, the scars are still there. Seeing the abuser is still there.

This post is not not meant for anyone to pity me but to let you see a little bit of my life and the way I may deal with people. Its a hard process of recovery. Even my past marriage has been a direct result of this.
Not everyone can deal with a partner who has been sexually abused. It takes alot of strength and courage..and a whole lot of love.
I most definitely will lash our at you, for reasons you don't think are valid but I don't mean to. It's just a reaction.

But you see in all of this I function very well. I know alot of people who think I must have it all cut out for me. But sweetie, all that glitters is not gold. It's gold in the making for me..thats what I know. A long road to recovery but I'm getting there.

I will let you in on my encounter with the abuser 11 years later...but that's for another time...

Forgive me if I'm rambling on...lots of thoughts going through my head...years of not writing a post...not knowing what to say to any of you...but this is a start.

My story is.. have any relationship is hard work. Be patient with people.. don't be too quick to judge... Listen to people..I mean...really... listen!
And if you have nothing positive to say... don't say anything at all.

I'm still getting to know me, and be totally in love with me..so I can love my children totally.

No one said life was going to be easy... But hey... You fall and you rise back up!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Home After a Year

It's been over a year since I last wrote a piece in my ever evolving journey of life. I have gone from trying to be eco- friendly to working in an area that seems so materialistic. During the time that you have not heard from me I have been writing alot; not for my blog but for work.

This is very interesting because never would I have thought that I would be working in media. It's really interesting how it all began. I wanted a job when I came back home and my dad sent me to someone who was looking for someone. He thought I would be a good edition to the writing aspect of the business but I wanted nothing to do with it.

I tried it any way and they absolutely loved my input. Strangely enough it wasn't so much my writing but my presenting! Me...a presenter....Hell no!! But I did it any way even if I didn't like being infront of the camera. I got used to it and made myself comfortable.

Unfortunately my term there would come to a short end because I was dealing with the grief of my estranged son Achilles. I had was still dealing with my family being split apart and trying to get a divorce which is still at a standstill. it pains me to know that he is out there and someone else is mothering him. I thank God for her but I still wish I could do it myself.

Last I heard from his dad, he was seemingly quite autistic, talking non- stop for hours, or chewing on odd objects. He even lodged a coin up his nose which his dad had to remove with a pair of tweezers! I cry when I hear how bad he seems to be. I think that he might never be "normal" or be able to get a job or live on his own because he would need someone to take care of him constantly. He is drawing near to age 5 and I worry..alot!

But mostly I wonder if he just needs his mother; that if I were around he would be alot better and wouldn't seem so unwell. I pray that God would bring us together again someday soon, when I would be able to mother him. Even if it were for months out the year. I really pray for that.

But back to work now...Yes.....I stopped for about 6 months....Went to the jungle for a bit...Had a chance to get myself together, have a bit of fun...gain some attention, help someone learn to love their self and learn to love others again.

And then I was without a job again...Trying desperately to find one......and not wanting to go back to media one......But it called to me, over and over again. That I needed to give it another shot.

There is a saying that if you get a second chance at something you're real lucky and you should make the most of it. That's exactly what I plan on doing.

And in the meantime Chaya my daughter is at school, loving every moment of it just like I did when I was her age. She brings such joy to me and I thank God for her every moment of every day.

So off I go.....til another time. Hopefully it won't be for this long again.

If you watch a catch of bit of me presenting the news you can watch it here!