I have always struggled with relationships whether it be mere friendships or intimate relationships. My issue is not that I'm not a likable person or that I can't keep friends but that I push people away, alot of the time! It's not an intention of mine but it happens and I know at least some of the reasons why that happens.
Now I am about to share with you a very personal part of my life, one that is not easy to let the entire world know, but I feel that I can help someone out there if they know my story.
I was 16 and in High School. A friend asked me to come to her cousin's home for lunch and I was quite happy. I followed like any happy 16 year old would but there was something awaiting me that I was not prepared for.
At the house was her cousin, a 31 year old who wasn't so big, but I was still a tiny thing. She introduced us and said she was coming right back. She said she had just gone across the street to get something.
Well she never came back.
There I was in this stranger's house and he kept looking at me like he wanted something... wanted to tell me something.. I quickly ran to the door and he was right there next to me...locking it.
I started to shake. "What was this guy going to do to me," I thought. He held unto me and wrestled to remove my clothes. I fought back but I soon got tired and stopped fighting. He shifted my underwear and inserted him in me... Yes he raped me!
I felt so disgusted... tears coming down my face the entire time.
"What did I do to deserve this?" " Why did he choose me?" " Am I that easy?"
All these thoughts came rushing through my mind.
I didn't even know what time it was. Time passed so slowly in those minutes. I felt like I was going to die and that no one would love again.
He removed himself and opened the door. I quickly left the room and walked calmly back to school like nothing had happened.
Don't even ask about his cousin, she never asked what had happened and I never told her.
He must have threatened me because even seeing him lately...yes I still see him.. I am fearful... as if, if I speak he will hurt me.
I'm 11 years older now and it still hurts.
I never told a soul for years... not my parents or close friends... no one. It has left a permanent scar on my life, my body, how I see myself.
Every relationship has been a mess and I know it is directly related to that incident.
I cry alot at nights, when no one is looking or listening and I wish I could do back in time.
"If only I had screamed, or fought harder, maybe this would not have happened to me."
I keep thinking these things.. but I can't stand being alone with myself for too long because all the emotions will come rushing back to my memory and I will have to relive it over and over.
I've tried letting go and letting God but that hasn't been very helpful. I don't care what any of you have to say about me not letting go fully. That's all a crock of shit and you know it.
Yeah I let go but the hurt is still there, the scars are still there. Seeing the abuser is still there.
This post is not not meant for anyone to pity me but to let you see a little bit of my life and the way I may deal with people. Its a hard process of recovery. Even my past marriage has been a direct result of this.
Not everyone can deal with a partner who has been sexually abused. It takes alot of strength and courage..and a whole lot of love.
I most definitely will lash our at you, for reasons you don't think are valid but I don't mean to. It's just a reaction.
But you see in all of this I function very well. I know alot of people who think I must have it all cut out for me. But sweetie, all that glitters is not gold. It's gold in the making for me..thats what I know. A long road to recovery but I'm getting there.
I will let you in on my encounter with the abuser 11 years later...but that's for another time...
Forgive me if I'm rambling on...lots of thoughts going through my head...years of not writing a post...not knowing what to say to any of you...but this is a start.
My story is.. have any relationship is hard work. Be patient with people.. don't be too quick to judge... Listen to people..I mean...really... listen!
And if you have nothing positive to say... don't say anything at all.
I'm still getting to know me, and be totally in love with me..so I can love my children totally.
No one said life was going to be easy... But hey... You fall and you rise back up!